Survivor

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me;

he drew me out of deep waters.

He rescued me from my powerful enemy,

from my foes who were too strong for me."

-Psalm18:16-17

Do you see the survivor in the black shirt? That's my baby brother. We all have our battles to fight in life. We win some of them, but sometimes we don't. I will ever praise God for whatever is was that HE did to bring my brother safely through this one.

Along the very same thought, I will also praise HIM for giving me the richest blessing of knowing and being related to this very strong, courageous little family that has the faith in God and the fight in their hearts to work through all kinds of obstacles.

My prayer is that their lives will be a testimony to the greatness of God, and that every day, every hour, and every minute brings them closer and closer to His heart. Finally, I pray that God will grant all of my family a time of peace, joy, victory, and influence for His kingdom here on His earth.

Some Stuff

I've been going through some stuff. I hate not sharing the details, but just trust me that it has been emotionally painful. It's not little stuff - things that could be solved by more money, more time, or more knowledge - it's the big stuff of life.

You know what I'm talking about. The events in life that steal our joy, open the door to depression and heartache, and are lasting sources of pain in our memories. So fill in the blanks, and listen while I tell you how I got through it, with the help of my Savior, and my Godly friends.

I was lost. Crushed in spirit, wounded, worried, and overcome with sadness. I couldn't think of anything else but the Stuff. My heart was physically heavy, and I couldn't even sing. That last one might seem silly to you, but if I can't sing, it means every ounce of joy has just trickled right out of my heart. I was the exact person Jesus saw when he looked at the people and "had compassion on them, because they were harassed, and helpless," from Matthew 9:36, and I was the person He was talking to when He gave the warning, "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world," in John 16:33.

I feel like I am that person a lot, like maybe God has chosen me for more suffering than the average person. I really don't feel strong enough for that, but I do have faith and I know that God will not, will NOT put on my heart more than I can bear. And I know that because I am a servant of Christ, He will help me through anything, I just didn't know HOW He would do that.

I felt like I was walking around in a fog. Around me, people lived their lives, laughing, talking, shopping, sharing. They did all the things people do every single day. I didn't blame them for acting, well, like normal people, but couldn't understand why they thought I might laugh at jokes, talk, share - you know, live like nothing was wrong - because in my world, everything was wrong. It felt like I was supposed to function normally and flawlessly in a world that was suddenly upside down.

Even when I was at church, nothing felt normal. All the singing that people were doing around me didn't make sense, the sermons lacked real answers, and taking communion when my heart was in despair was baffling. So, knowing that there was no way that I could live every day that way until the problem was solved, I set out to get help.

I told some people what was happening. Most of them were alarmed, offered some compassion and understanding, but still, the Stuff was there, draining all joy before it even had a chance to enter my heart. I kept thinking, if I could just feel, or pray, or force myself to sing, I'd get better. I longed to get my joy back.

The thing is, I have every reason to feel joy - beautiful, wonderful children, an understanding and helpful husband, a home I love, employment that provides the material things we need - but still, there was this Stuff. Oh, the pain of it!

I was disappointed that just talking about the Stuff to some Christian friends and family didn't seem to help. So, because I'd lost my ability to pray, I made a phone call to somebody who prays - not just in private, but someone who prays right there on the spot. This is a Godly friend. She is compassionate, kind, humble, gentle, and patient. She has brought countless blessings into my life, and I know God arranged it so that we'd have just a few moments to talk. Even though she was in the middle of her life, with her kids, driving her car, she prayed right then and there. I cannot stress the importance of this enough. Since all of this, I am committed to praying on the spot no matter how awkward or uncomfortable it may seen at the time. It gives healing.

After that, I experienced a peace that I knew would carry me down the right path. At that point, even though I felt a momentary peace, I knew intuitively that my peace was not complete. I knew there were at least two things still that I had to do; I had to praise God, and I had to pray about the Stuff.

Praising God (as a concept) was so difficult. I still didn't feel joyful, but I knew the words were true. There is power in speaking them. He is mighty God, a Holy God. He is the King of Kings, He is the Lord of Lords. Those things don't ever change. And with that thought, and with that statement, I was able to really praise God, with all my heart and soul. I began to feel that joy in my salvation returning, knowing that no matter what stuff was happening, God was, and God is, and God forever will be. He is unchanging. His love is lavish and generous. He keeps His promises. Oh, the joy in that!

I could have stopped there. I think the enemy even tried to stop me there, and prevent any other healing from taking place in my heart, but I knew that I still had to pray, and I had to mean it. I believe there is a special, supernatural power in praying, but more specifically, when several believers pray. In Matthew 18:20, Jesus said that "where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." I could be wrong, but I believe that is a special promise of Jesus that he made for us when we are experiencing a crisis, although we can take advantage of it any time - not just in times of difficulty.

So, I gathered a few of my friends that I knew would be willing to pray with me. Can I add that it wasn't easy? It didn't fit into our schedules, not everyone that I wanted was able to be there, there wasn't a great location, it required a little rearranging of children and some help from husbands, but we did it anyway. And we had exactly what was necessary: three believers gathered in the name of Jesus. Like my friend above, these Godly women have been a great source of blessing to me. They are also compassionate, kind, humble, gentle, and patient.

I honestly don't know how long we prayed. It might have been 30 minutes, or it could have been two hours, but together, we knelt before the throne of the Almighty God, the creator of the nations. Together, we thanked Him, praised Him, and then placed all the Stuff at His footstool and asked Him to take over, because among us, there was no earthly answer, or ideal solution. I asked for Him to grant me a lasting peace over the situation, and since then, He has been faithful. There are still no easy solutions, but I have not spent a moment in worry or anxiety over it, because I know and I believe that He is mighty to save, and there is nothing that He cannot use for His glory.

This Stuff may not be resolved in a way that I like. It may take years, and it may yet bring more pain to more people, but even so, I know that His solution is the best solution, and there is no amount of helping or talking or making arrangements that I can do to fix the Stuff. Prayer is the most powerful thing I can do, and I trust in Him. He is the everlasting God!

With love, and in the spirit of II Corinthians 1:3-4, I just wanted you to know about it too, just in case you might be going through some Stuff that is troubling your heart.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,

who comforts us in all our troubles,

so that we can comfort those in any trouble

with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

II Cor. 1:3-4

What I Can Hear

It is naptime. My sassy little boy is in bed. He is supposed to be asleep. Instead, he is alternately chattering away and howling like a wolf. It is precious. Of course I wish that he was asleep, instead of talking, but it's darling to me to hear that little chirpy voice. I love being his mommy.

Most of the time, though, I am terribly distracted from enjoying being a mother. We have to go somewhere, get some mess cleaned up, we are already late, or we are trying to fix some crisis or another. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to deal with the drama in life, and it is tiring. It makes my heart ache, my muscles ache, my stomach ache.

I do know that God is constantly calling to me, talking words of comfort and wisdom. He is placing little moments of sweetness mixed in with the sorrow I encounter. It comes in the form of Liam, greeting me with an excited "Hi Mommy-princess," which he exclaims every time I wear a dress. It comes in the form of my husband hugging me after I receive yet another stressful phone call. It comes to my mind in the form of songs etched onto my heart as a child, "ye that labor and are heavy laden, lean upon your dear Lord's breast."

Despite whatever circumstances I encounter, I will not have the joy of my children's childhood stolen from me. I will treasure every sweet and silly word they speak, hang on to every snuggly moment I have with them, and celebrate every good grade they earn. At the same time, I will be firm, teach them to submit to authority, and be respectful. I will make them sing at church, and I will discuss with each of them what they learned in class. We will continue memorizing scriptures as a family. Most importantly, I want them to learn to seek God with all their hearts.

In the midst of the storm, I want them to be able to hear Jesus calling to them, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matt. 11:28-30)

Liam is asleep now, and that's my signal to stop writing. I know I have some lofty goals stated here. Most of those things are things we already do. But today, I am even more resolved than ever to lead my sons to the throne of the Most High God.

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matt. 6:33-34)